In part three of October’s series on old movies that would make terrific new games, we look at four new games based on decades-old films. While Atari has failed to greenlight Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend, Arthur: Still Stinking Drunk, Teen Wolf: Legend, and Monster Squad vs. the Lost Boys, there are plenty more movie titles left in the can.

Time Bandits
For his next game, Suda51 is creating an RPG, and has obtained the license to the old Terry Gilliam film Time Bandits. Now you can take control of the roguish dwarves Fidgit, Strutter, Wally, Og, and lead them in their adventure through time. Using The Map, navigate your way through holes in time, stopping in medieval England, civil war era Virginia, France in 1942, and the mysterious Time of Legends. The purpose of it all? Get stinking rich! Collect anachronistic weaponry, and even get Robin Hood himself to join you in order to rob the rich to feed yourselves! Avoid the Supreme Being, who wanders the byways of time like a hall monster, and above all, keep the map out of the hands of The Supreme Evil, lest he unmake Creation!

Gleaming the Cube
Gleaming the Cube is a collection of skateboard-themed extreme sports games. Head by Rodney’s skate shop, and sign up, but watch out: the competitors in this hood mean business, and you might just catch a facefull of pavement!

In the Downhill Race, skate downhill through a park, jumping fences, navigating stairways, and dodging cars. In the Downhill Jam, you’re racing against a live opponent as you skate through the city, five blocks to the finish line. It’s parkour on a skateboard! Throw punches and kicks, but try not to lose your balance, or your opponent might shove you into a tree or a dumpster. The Freestyle Ramp will give you a chance to practice your tricks without interference, and the High Jump Ramp challenges you to see how much air you can catch. Lastly, the Pool Joust, the skater’s true combat zone. This totally original game is coming soon for the XBox 360 and Playstation 3.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Built on the same engine as the highly successful Wii port of Resident Evil 4, Killer Klowns from Outer Space places you in the role of Mike Tobacco, a normal guy in the town of Crescent Cove. One evening, Mike spots a space ship shaped suspiciously like a circus tent landing in a remote field. Mike must infiltrate the alien circus tent, uncover the truth behind the horrible alien klowns, convince the authorities that he’s not playing a joke, and save the world from the evil of the Klowns.

• Special Klown on Klown battle mode
• Use dozens of whimsical weapons, such as the popcorn gun, cotton candy ray, and killer shadow puppets.
• New Klownmapping technology, exclusive to the Wii!

Lego Ernest
In the newest Lego sequel, you take the role of Ernest P. Worrell and dive into his many adventures. Visit Kamp Kikakee, get superpowers, break Santa Claus out of jail, and battle Trantor the troll and the evil dictator of Karifistan. The game has 102 playable characters, including Bluebeard, Michael Jordan, Rush Limbaugh, Jack Kevorkian, and Jenna Jameson. Relive the events of Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Saves Christmas, Ernest Goes to Splash Mountain, Ernest Goes to Jail, Ernest Scared Stupid, Ernest Rides Again, Ernest Goes to School, Slam Dunk Ernest, Ernest in the Army, Ernest Goes to Africa, Ernest the Pirate, Ernest Does Dallas, Ernest Needs a Kidney, and Ernest Stinking Drunk. KnowWhutIMean, Vern?

I just read an article in Ars Technica about Microsoft’s newly granted patent for real-time censoring of audio streams. I’ve got some mixed feelings on the subject. On one hand, I’m a firm believer in John Gabriel’s Greater Internet F*ckwad Theory, but on the other hand, I’m fairly wary of censorship.

I don’t play a lot of online games. In fact, I think my online gaming has been limited exclusively to Team Fortress 2, which I played only because it came with the package of pure awesomeness that is The Orange Box. As a single-player gamer, I’ve not had to endure the profane put-downs of poorly-parented puerile punks, but I can sympathize with those who’ve had to listen to the likes of chocolate milk boy. If it were implemented as an optional filter on XBox live, I’d fully embrace this technology. If it doesn’t work well for you, simply turn it off and you’ve got the same thing that exists right now.
But there’s no guarantee that such a thing will be optional, and as Ars Technica points out, online gaming isn’t the only area we’re likely to see this technology implemented. Someone smart once said that newly introduced technology will always run its course and have its effect, although there’s generally no way to predict what that effect might be. This technology could have a real impact on free speech. I’m not going to flip if TV networks start using this type of real-time filter for live programming, but the minute somebody tries to filter anything out of my phone conversations, I’m gonna lose my shit.

FOMSS, or Fear of Missing Something Syndrome, is something that many of us encounter in different areas of our lives. Sometimes it’s an event, sometimes a movie. In my case, looking at this fall’s smorgasbord of games, I slowly came to realize that I’d never have the free time to play all these games. So while I’ll be able to play some, I’ve been forced to avoid others that I’d really rather have the time to play. Choosing which games to play and which to miss can be tough, and it’s odd that I feel a need to make excuses to the Internet as to why I haven’t bought every game that interests me. But here they are.

Read the rest of “Avoision” »

Portal: Prelude is a free fan-made mod of Valve’s Portal. You need to have Portal already installed on your machine to try it, but it’s free.

I’ve got some issues with the game. Mainly, that while where the original Portal was about figuring out how to get through a situation, in this game, you’ll generally know how to navigate a given level, but actually doing it is the hard part. Whereas the original emphasized puzzle-solving, this game emphasizes twitch skills and accuracy. That said, I don’t like it so much, but perhaps you’re more skilled than I am and will make it past the third test chamber.

Download Portal: Prelude

In the first installment of Everything Old is New Again, I discussed decades-old movie properties that are ripe for remaking into new game titles, a la Ghostbusters. Since Spielberg made the move from movie director to game designer with Boom Blox, George Lucas has been planning Super Howard the Duck Melee, and Ridley Scott is already in production on a FPS titled G.I. Jane. But what other older movie IPs might be snatched up by game producers and be the next big budget movie-to-game masterpiece?

Midnight Madness
Through the magic of XBox Live, compete against teams of players from across the country in a sport all but forgotten since 1986: The Great All-Nighter! Follow clues through the open world city of Los Angeles, progressing from location to location while doing your best to stymie your opponents. Achievements include…

Beer Bomb: Burn the Pabst Blue Ribbon brewery to the ground without killing anyone
Frame-up: Frame a another team for a crime, causing at least a 3-star wanted rating
Fagabeefe?: Complete the Mission “Musical Mayhem”

Throatwalker’s Bailiwick
Throatwalker’s Bailiwick is the story of Bora, a 15-year-old boy whose world is shattered when an epidemic of flatulence overtakes his homeland. At the same time, there is turmoil in Monstropolis. Sulley, Monstropolis’s top scarer, is missing. Buzz Lightyear and Lightning McQueen set out to find him. On their travels, they meet Bora, and they are told of ominous creatures known as the Fartless – beings without flatulence derived from an unknown dimension.

Pixar has teamed with Bioware to produce this new game. While some criticize the choice of title, others point out that “Throatwalker’s Bailiwick” makes no less sense than “Kingdom Hearts”.

Zardoz Online
In the distant future, men of the elite warrior class all wear bikinis. In this next-generation MMO, you can choose to play as one of these well-armed Exterminators, or as one of the powerful nomadic Brutals. Who will discover the truth about the mythical god Zardoz? Who will fly to the paradise of the apathetic Eternals inside a giant stone head? And with what powers will he return? Answers to these questions and more await within the fantastic world of ZARDOZ.

Xanadu
Do you like Barry Manilow, Gordon Lightfoot, and The Carpenters? Then you’ll love this new Nintendo DS Rhythm Game from iNiS. As the muse Terpischore, you must travel the world, inspiring people to accomplish their goals – help a frustrated fourth grader with her math homework, help a laid off steel worker from Bethlehem build his own roller rink, and help a disbarred lawyer show the bar association that they were idiots to disbar him – all through the music of the seventies! Includes music from Paul Anka, The BeeGees, The Commodores, Abba, and Captain and Tennille.

At the beginning of the year, when the Wii version of Okami was released, someone noticed something odd about the cover art on the box – there was an IGN watermark on the Okami art! Shortly thereafter, Capcom announced “Okami Cover Artwork Redemption” – basically, they planned to cover up their colossal mistake via distraction. They offered some really nice alternate cover art, free to anybody who owned the game, if only we’d shut up and not get mad about them stealing their own artwork back from IGN.

I ordered immediately. In April. Today, it came in the mail. It’s really pretty. I’m gonna go play Okami now.

There’s been a lot of chatter over teh intarwebs in the past few months about whether the iPhone will overtake the PSP or even the DS as a gaming platform. It is my firm belief that for a number of reasons this will never happen. Granted, from a certain perspective, everything Apple touches turns to gold. The iPhone is incredibly popular, and has the same “cool” going for it that the iPod does. But Apple has a less than stellar record with gaming.

A lot of the buzz I’ve been hearing hints that much of the iPhone’s potential comes from its motion-sensing capabilities and its touch screen. The Wii introduced motion-sensitive controls to gaming, and after 2 years stores still can’t keep Wii consoles on shelves. The Nintendo DS introduced touch screens, and outsells home consoles in some markets. So if Apple introduces a handheld with both, it’s bound to be popular. Right?

I’m not so sure.

Read the rest of “Why the iPhone Will Never Be a Gamer’s Gaming Platform” »

After ten days of playing, I finally finished Saints Row 2 and sent my review off to be posted.  I played for about 20 hours, gained 45 neighborhoods, completed 56 missions, tried dozens of activities, earned hundreds of thousands of dollars and killed hundreds of people.  The game is great, and I had a fantastic time playing it, but here’s a little secret, just between you and I:

I’m a little tired of Saints Row 2 right about now.

It’s not just SR2 either. I’m tired of games in general right now which can mean only one thing, fall is upon us.

I usually like the fall. I like the colder weather.  I love football.  I like that I don’t have to mow the lawn any more.  I like that we can put the down comforter on the bed.  I like the leaves.  I even don’t mind raking them.  I used to like that fall was when all of the best games came out and wherever you looked, there was something good to play.

Now?  Not so much.

In the past 30 days I played and reviewed Rock Band 2 for the 360, played and reviewed The Price is Right for the DS, played and reviewed de Blob for the Wii, played and reviewed the aforementioned Saints Row 2 for the 360, wrote my humor column about Rock Band 2, played with and reviewed two Rock Band 2 instruments for a  Rock Band 2 gear round up and played Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood (review pending).  That’s a whole lot of playing and a whole lot of writing.

Now, much of, if not all of this is my own fault.  After all, I’m the one who picks the games that I want to cover and I picked all of these, with the exception of Saints Row 2 which was given to me by default for attending the preview event.  So, my schedule is all my doing, however at the same time, when I don’t pick games, I can expect an email from my editor asking me if I’m sure that I don’t want to cover any more games. This is one of the pitfalls of being competent at something.  Others expect you to keep doing it.  The reverse of this accounts for why I’m never asked to be on anyone’s basketball team.

It is a common lament among gaming journalists that the holiday season is hell on Earth for those that write about games and as packed as my schedule has been, it is nothing compared to what I’m sure those writing about games full time has to put up with.  After all, I pick my own games, and my editor is steadfast in his refusal to let you pick two games that come out on the same day even if they’re on different systems, a notion I have bristled against for some time now due to my ability to play both a handheld game and a console game at the same time.  Well, not literally at the same time, but within the same deadline space.  Any way, I can only imagine that for those that do this full time, they have to juggle multiple games at once and keep it all straight in their heads.

For me, at least I get a break to go to work, or play with the kids, or do something other than play games.  If you write about games for a living, you still have breaks, but they are fewer and farther between, even more so come the fall crunch time.  More importantly, once you finish a game and then write about it, you jump right into the next one.

This is my biggest problem with crunch time, not the constant playing of games, because honestly, how much I play games during these times doesn’t change that much other than an occasional longer session when I’d usually be watching tv with Linda, or playing on the DS or PSP at lunch.  What changes come crunch time is that I don’t have any time to play games that I’m playing just for enjoyment.  I need a little bit of a break between assignments to get my thoughts straightened out and cleanse the gaming palate, so to speak.  If the only time I had between games was spent writing about the one I just finished, I think I’d go a little crazy.

Plus, for me, having more time to not be playing the game gives me more time to formulate an opinion about what I’m playing.  There are some really great design choices made in de Blob but it’s not until you step away from it and have some time to think about it, that you realize what’s there.  Well, I didn’t any way, and you’re most likely much smarter than I am, so your mileage may vary.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having the extra cash on hand as the holiday games season is filled with games that I do want to play, many of which I’m not reviewing, and they’re not going to just show up on my doorstep free of charge.  The holiday season also means an influx of toys, specifically Transformers, all of which I am compelled to buy.  It would just be nice if the onslaught of games that come from mid September through December could be spread out over the course of the year, rather than force feed me over the next few months and then starve me come January.  Cause, let me tell you, as bad as the crush of games is now, it ain’t nothin’ compared to the titles available for review come the new year.  I give you Draglade.

Luckily, due to SR2 arriving a lot earlier than I imagined and the next Crash Bandicoot game for the PSP being delayed a couple of weeks, I have 2.5 weeks before I have to play anything that I don’t want to.  Oh sure, I have to write my Sonic Chronicles review, but that’ll be done this weekend and then it’s nothing but me time.  This is a good thing because I still have to finish Mercenaries 2 and I have a bunch of touring to do in Rock Band 2 not to mention I’m still crawling my way towards level 60 in Mass Effect.   So much to play and it’s all completely up to me!  My gaming ship is my own to navigate through a sea of choices!  Who knows where I’ll stop, but for now, I am in command!  Me!  Me!  Me!

You know what?  On second thought, I think I’ll just play Saints Row 2 tonight.

This game is part of the Retro Remakes project. I remember playing The Hobbit on my Commodore 64. I never really got any further than the goblins’ cells, but that’s largely because I had no walkthroughs back then, and I suck at adventure games. If you like adventure games, or retro games, give it a shot.

Download The Hobbit

With the announcement of the new Ghostbusters video game, and the already successful Princess Bride video game, one is left to wonder what other decades-old movie properties are ripe for remaking into brilliant new high-definition gaming masterworks. Because I know so many game developers follow this site, I’ve decided to offer a few of my own ideas. In fact, I’ve got so many ideas that I’ll be featuring four of them every Wednesday in October.

Weekend at Bernie’s
Bernie may be dead, but he’s still the life of the party! This new game from Eidos Interactive is the Playstation 3’s first comedy action stealth puzzle adventure. Assassins are on your tail, and making them think that Bernie is still alive is the only way to protect yourself. While parading through crowds, come up with creative new ways to add to the illusion that Bernie is still alive and delay his decomposition. Away from Bernie’s side, you must keep to the shadows. Relive the drop-dead comedy of the year in glorious 1080i!

Short Circuit
For the big-budget Wii-make of the wildly popular Short Circuit, they’ve booked the vocal talents of screen legend Steve Gutenberg himself! And that funny Indian guy who’s not actually Indian! Unfortunately, Ally Sheedy was unavailable.

Johnny Five is malfunctioning. To repair himself, he must locate the three missing pieces of his original circuit board and bring them to Newton Crosby so that he can be repaired. Meanwhile, he’s pursued by military goons from Nova. Johnny must traverse Washington state, falling into various pits – within some of those pits are the pieces of his circuit board. Once inside a pit, you’ve got to waggle your way out! Use Johnny’s booster rockets to very slowly glide out, a la the old Lunar Rover game. If the military catches him, you’re forced to watch a five minute cutscene during which he repeatedly yells “Not disassemble number Johnny Five!”

Rad
Go balls out! Cru Jones has decided that rather than go to college, he’ll be a professional BMX racer. Race through a greulling series of BMX tracks, upgrading your bike along the way. Survive, and face the ultimate challenge: Helltrack! (Disclaimer: this is a reskinned version of PURE)

Repo Man
For employees of the Helping Hand Acceptance Corporation, life is always intense. In this GTA clone, you must take contracts and repossess cars, hot wiring or carjacking them as necessary. Earn money to buy drugs, booze, and prostitutes. Play through the campaign in online co-op, using Otto and Bud, and discover the bonus co-op only missions, including The Punk Rocker Bar and The Terrorist Laundromat. Rated M for explicit sex, drug use, and alien-infested Chevy Malibus.

Stay tuned for the second installment of Everything Old Is New Again next Wednesday.