For as long as there have been video games, there have been ridiculous and stupid video game bosses. From the FBI Agent in Atari’s E.T. to Letz Shake in No More Heroes, who blew himself up before you ever got to fight him, ludicrous game bosses have a long and rich history. I’ve taken it upon myself to list my own personal bottom five video game bosses.
Number Five: Tarjan, the mad god, from Bards’ Tale 3
Back in 1990, Tarjan was the original blob of hit points. Final Fantasy later became known for this type of boss, but I’ve never played the original Final Fantasy, which was released the same year.
After a grueling dungeon, you managed to open the door at the center where the mad god had walled himself in. Three climactic battles later, you were ready to face Tarjan and his minions. Each round, he summoned ten new Black Slayers, nasty creatures that automatically kill you on any hit. Even with your adventuring party at full health, you had to have at least two characters cast the spell that resurrected the entire party every round, because you could be certain that by the time the spell was cast, a few of them would be killed. It wasn’t uncommon during this fight to have a character die once or twice per combat round. And Tarjan himself probably had upward of a million hit points. Even if you had multiple characters doing 9999 damage to him every round, the fight took quite a while. Although Tarjan is less ridiculous than the other bosses on this list, the over-the-top nature of this fight slides him into fifth place.
View video of Tarjan Boss Battle
Number Four: Gozer the Gozerian, from Ghostbusters
Although Gozer is like Tarjan in that they’re both gods, they’re on this list for opposite reasons. The Commodore 64 version of Ghostbusters wasn’t a bad game for its time – you’d drive around town blasting ghosts with unlicensed nuclear accelerators, earning money to upgrade your gear while keeping the city’s psychokinetic energy down to manageable levels. At the end, you had to dodge through the legs of the Staypuft marshmallow man to enter the building where Gozer’s gate opened. At the top, you faced Gozer the Gozerian. To beat Gozer, you had to… brace yourself… press the joystick either left or right. This caused the Ghostbusters to move towards each other and cross the streams. Then you’d win. Talk about anticlimactic. It was literally impossible to lose to Gozer. So congratulations, Gozer – you win the award for lamest boss I’ve ever seen in a game.
View video of Gozer Boss Battle
Number Three: Jen, from Prey
In a poorly-executed attempt at creating emotional conflict, the creators of Prey decided to kidnap your girlfriend and make her a boss. Halfway through the game, you’re ambushed by a four-legged alien with Gatling gun arms and your girlfriend’s head and torso. You’re only given a second to wonder whether you’re supposed to attack before your girlfriend starts unloading hot lead and lasers into you. It’s seriously freakish, but her cries for help as she’s attacking end up coming off more comical than sympathetic.
Number Two: John Romero’s severed head on a stick, from Doom 2
This is the only game on the list that I haven’t played, but the very notion of having one of the game creator’s decapitated heads as a final boss is so out there that I couldn’t pass it up. As I understand it, the original intent was to place an object behind a wall, and have that object take damage through the area impact of a rocket launcher. When it was killed, the character would win. That object, of course, was John Romero’s head… on a stick. After Romero himself found out, he recorded himself saying “To win the game, you must kill me, John Romero” backwards, and the game was changed so that you had to turn clipping off and travel through the wall to fight him in order to beat the game. Freaking weird.
View video of John Romero’s Head Boss Battle
Number One: The Nihilanth, from Half-Life
After surviving a military attack from the guys you thought were on your side and trekking through an alien landscape in search of the alien leader, you eventually find… wha? A massive mutated infant with a flip-top head and tentacles for legs? Although the game was fantastic, the Nihilanth earns the top spot on my list for sheer absurdity.
That boss from Prey was actually kind of creepy. I may have to check that game out someday.
Prey was actually a pretty bad game. My review
Actually the boss of Doom 2 is a giant goat’s head called the Icon of Sin, which you would beat by firing rockets into its brain and damage Romero’s head with splash damage. You don’t actually have to see Romero’s head to win; it’s really just there as an easter egg.
Letz Shake didn’t actually blow himself up. He did blow up, but he didn’t blow himself up.
You could actually cast a spell that blocked enemies from being summoned in Bard’s Tale 3, which would keep Tarjan from summoning more Black Slayers. Of course, you still had to get somebody out to 90′ distant to *hit* him, usually the thief.