GregHowley.com

You may have heard about the recent issue many people have had with Grand Theft Auto 4 crashing on their Playstation 3. The overly intricate 12-step fix offered by Take-Two involves uninstalling the game, deleting your saved games, disabling the PS3's internet connection, information board, and media server functionality, clearing the web cache, turning off the screen saver, reinstalling the game, turning off auto-save, the game's flicker filter and the controller's vibration feature, and praying like heck that this solves the problem.

With this in mind, I've looked into my good old crystal ball and found that when Spore is released in September, it will have similar issues. And so I provide to you, five months in advance of its public release, the Playstation 3 crash fix for Spore.

Step 1: Disable internet connectivity for the PS3. To do this, scroll along the cross media bar until you reach the 'Settings' tab, then scroll up / down the list until you reach 'Network Settings'. Then scroll down to the Internet connection option and press x, then select the disable option.

Step 2:Mute the volume on your television set. Note that certain Panasonic televisions have an incompatible mute function. Consult Panasonic for compatibility information, and if your set is not compatible, we suggest using another television for this procedure.

Step 3: Disable Spore's self-preservation subroutine. As the creatures in Spore are so advanced, they have AI that will prevent you from deleting them, and as a last-ditch effort will copy themselves to online servers should you attempt to delete them. These corrupted creature files may cause continued crashes once they re-emigrate to your repaired console. Thus, they must be eradicated. Permanently. Now that you've disabled the internet connection, you must disable the self-preservation subroutine before deleting to prevent your creatures from going into full-fledged rebellion.

Step 4: Delete the game's install data, save files, and the corrupted creature files. The muted television will better enable you to ignore their cries for help. We suggest that you also look away during the delete process, as it is not pleasant.

Step 5: IMPORTANT! Make sure that version 2.74 or later of the Playstation firmware is installed on your console. Proceeding further without this update may render your Playstation useless!

Step 6: Once the 2.74 washable update is installed, remove the game disc, unhook all wires from the rear of your Playstation and place it in your dishwasher. Without any soap, run the dishwasher for a full cycle. Make sure that extra drying heat is turned off. Note that certain models of GE dishwasher are incompatible with the Playstation's 2.74 washable update. Contact the manufacturer for compatibility before washing.

Step 7: Remove the Playstation 3 from the dishwasher and let it air-dry for 10-12 hours. Sony does not recommend use of a clothesline.

Step 8: Examine the Playstation 3 for any standing water. If any moisture remains, the console may be wrapped in a towel and dried on tumble in most consumer clothes dryers. Note that certain models of GE dryer are incompatible with the Playstation's Cell processor. Contact the manufacturer for compatibility before drying.

Step 9: Re-attach all wiring to the rear of the Playstation 3 and see if it actually powers up.

Step 10: If you have PixelJunk Monsters installed, uninstall the game at this time. Pixeljunk monsters and Spore creatures are natural enemies, and will often wage war while the Playstation 3 is in sleep mode, causing erratic behavior.

Step 11: Open Playstation Home and visit the Spore pavillion. Play the Spore demo and defeat the Narpo tribe a minimum of five times to gain the Tribal Trial entitlement. This will intimidate your new Spore creatures.

Step 12: Connect the SixAxis or DualShock 3 controller with the USB cable for the installation process, as Bluetooth signals can interfere with game installation. Disable any other nearby bluetooth connections.

Step 13: Insert the Spore game disc, and reinstall the game. Do not talk loudly while the game installs.

Step 14: You may now un-mute your television and re-enable the internet connection.

Step 15: In Spore settings, invert the look controls. If this makes gameplay difficult, you can hold the controller upside down.

Step 16: Re-enable Spore's self-preservation subroutine.

Step 17: To ensure that the game never again crashes, your new Spore creatures must never learn of what happened to their ancestors.