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I heard recently that they're going to be remaking Robocop. I blogged recently about other remakes, and this somehow seemed like one too many. Robocop? Come on!

Anyway, it got me to thinking. The original Robocop movie was made in 1987, and the sequels in 1990 and 1993. What did poor Robocop do for fifteen years between his last movie and now? Granted, he's an actor, but he's also a cybernetic law enforcement official, and jobs for cyborgs in this country must be hard to come by. So I did some research, and I now present to you Robocop: The Unauthorized Biography, 1993-2008.

In the early nineties Robocop was riding high. His movies had seen critical success, and he didn't stop to think that his fame would ever wane. Ladies wanted to be with him, guys wanted to be him. He even had a dance named after him.

In late 1993, after the marginal success of his third film, Robocop got into cocaine, and then heroin. By mid 1994, he had spent most of his savings on drugs. By the time he was released from the Betty Ford clinic that September, he was broke.

At that time, he turned to what seemed like a natural career: law enforcement. He was immediately accepted into the Hollywood Police Department, but was suspended twice during the first month after repeated citations of excessive force. In November 1994, he left California and gained entry to the Chicago PD. He met with slightly more success in Chicago, due in part to a more lenient police sergeant. But during his seven months in Chicago, he was outed in the Chicago Tribune four times for police brutality. After an incident in July 1995 during which a robbery suspect was sent to a local hospital with Robocop's baton lodged in his rectum, Robocop was fired from the Chicago Police.

From there, he went on to work for a number of private security firms. His antisocial behavior and tendencies towards violence ensured that he never worked very long for any single company, and soon Robocop was pursuing a career as a MLB pitcher. His robotic arm strength was unrivaled, and the only question was whether his cybernetic strength would be considered "doping". It was during this time that he started dating Rebecca Griswold, a native Chicagoan who had been a huge fan of his films. Their relationship was brief, ending abruptly after three weeks. Two months later, Robocop heard from Rebecca's attorney, who claimed that Rebecca was pregnant with Robocop's child. This led to a high-profile trial once the child was born. The trial was absent from national news only because of the coverage of O.J. Simpson's case, which was ongoing at the time. Robocop's trial came to an end in February 1997 when it came to light that he was incapable of sexual function, and that his cybernetic body was incapable of producing viable sperm. Robocop left the city in shame, abandoning hopes of a career in baseball.

He returned to California, hoping to go back to his career in acting. He landed a few non-speaking roles as an extra in the movies Spiceworld, and Orgazmo. Meanwhile, he flipped burgers at a McDonalds to pay the rent. He even had a brief speaking part in the Robin Williams film Bicentennial Man as a fellow robot, but the scene was cut before the film's release, as Robocop didn't play well with test audiences.

After "the hot grease incident" at McDonalds, things really began to go downhill for Robocop. He tried a job at a SuperCuts, but was fired the first day after accidentally cutting off half a patron's ear. He then decided to give up acting and worked as a legal secretary for two weeks before being fired for destroying his computer monitor when his Windows ME workstation froze.

Citing his previous police experience, Robocop then worked briefly as a crossing guard outside a school in Santa Barbara, but in the fall of 1998, he struck a child who had been heckling him with his handheld stop sign. The child recovered from the concussion, and Robocop served jail time.

When he was released in 1999, Robocop worked as a projectionist at a Santa Barbara movie theater for nearly a year before he was fired for firing his gun at the screen during a screening of Three Kings.

After that, Robocop remained unemployed for quite some time. He lived underneath the West Victoria Street bridge, and protected a group of vagrants who lived there. They accepted him as one of their own, and provided him with food and alcohol. After two years of homelessness, Robocop began to develop certain mechanical problems. His right elbow began to stick, and some of the wiring in his right shoulder shorted out on occasion, rendering his entire arm useless. He realized that he'd need a job to provide insurance to pay for the expensive repairs.

In May of 2002, Robocop secured a job as part of an assembly line. This was not a job normally performed by a human, but since Robocop was not entirely human, he found himself uniquely qualified. He spent the next seven months installing spokes in bicycle tires in fourteen hour shifts. He was let go at the end of the year, when OSHA became aware of his position and required him to leave.

The city government helped him to find another job, placing him as a street sweeper. He was also enrolled in anger management classes, which likely helped him keep his street sweeping job for as long as he did. It was four years later when he received the call from Hollywood, asking if he'd like to come back and make another movie with director Darren Aronofsky.

Currently, Robocop is in production, and should be released in 2010. Robocop himself has taken well to the role, adopting his police persona as if he'd never lost it. He has also gotten back into cocaine.